In the Bible, Adam and Eve were each other’s spouses but they didn’t have an official wedding ceremony. So my basic question is: is it ok for two people to be fully committed to each other and wait to have sex until they reached that point, and not be married to each other at the same time?
Great question! And a very common one among Christians!
First, you mention Adam and Eve and how they weren’t officially married. Let’s answer that!
After Adam and Eve were created it says this in Genesis 2:24-25: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
Adam and Eve never had an official ceremony. They never dated, nor had an engagement period, and they didn’t say vows or sign a marriage license, yet it still refers to Eve as Adam’s wife. Which tells us in God's eyes they were married!
This passage also says that when a couple gets married (which is what it is referring to when it says a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife) “they become one flesh”. This talks about the incredible unity that happens when two people have sex, which is a pretty big deal.
1 Corinthians 6:16 in the New Testament also uses the same language of “two becoming one” but in this case, it’s talking about a man having sex with a prostitute. Now, I know that’s not what we’re talking about here, but it just tells us that no matter what the context, sex bonds and unifies in a way that it makes two people as if they are one, whether that was the intention or not. It’s pretty intense stuff!
That is why God tells us to only have sex in a marriage relationship. In marriage, you don’t only have the unifying of your bodies, but also of your whole lives. A couple could assume that one day they want to get married, and since they are committed to that future together they think that it’s okay then to have sex because they’ll still only ever be having sex with one person. My question though is, why aren’t they getting married? If they are committed to each other why not completely blend their lives officially? Why not say the vows and in front of all their family and friends become married? There could be so many reasons for not getting married (one potentially being that they’re still in high school!) but if they aren’t ready to bond their lives with marriage are they really ready to bond their lives physically? If they mentally and emotionally aren't ready to become so united it is as if they are one, are they ready to physically be united like that?
It says this in 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
This isn’t to say just marry anyone you feel tempted to have sex with. But it is to show how much God wants sex to be in a marriage relationship.
What I think it comes down to is this: God created sex. He knows really well how it works and created it with the purpose to unify two people together. For this to be void of pain, heartbreak, and physical consequences, sex is best in a marriage relationship.
When we try to live outside of that, thinking that his instructions are however many shades of grey, or that a committed relationship is the same as marriage, what is really happening is we're trying to find loopholes. And loopholes dethrone God. Our lives are not meant to be about us and finding ways to please ourselves. Our lives are about living in relationship with God, which means investing in our relationship with him, obeying him, and living our lives to align with his dream for us.